


Don't Let Go

by coffeeflavoredtears



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Domestic Fluff, Domestic Violence, Everyone Is Gay, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Multi, Self-Harm, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Trans Character, Trans John Laurens
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-03
Updated: 2018-11-09
Packaged: 2019-08-17 03:28:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16508507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coffeeflavoredtears/pseuds/coffeeflavoredtears
Summary: Alexander, John, and Thomas were practically the perfect couple. They had been together for years before finally deciding to settle down and have a kid.  Everything was perfect.Until John dies in childbirth, sending both Alexander and Thomas into a downward spiral, eventually leading to them seperating for almost eight years.So what happens when Thomas comes running back, desperately wanting to ea part of Philip's life?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Before we begin this, I'd just like to say it was originally going to be a one-shot, then, almost nine thousand words later I decided to make it three or four chapters long. Enjoy.

~Six Years Ago~

_ “Alex, are you sure he’s going to want to go out with us? I mean, not many people are open to that kind of thing…” John said, holding his arms to his chest. Alexander knew it was to hide the small bumps from his breasts, and also knew how much he hated them. _

_ “Of course John! Come on, I’ve talked to James, he said Thomas was open to things like that, and he’s always flirting with you!” Alexander hugged his boyfriend, kissing his head. “Why would he say no to you when you’re so beautiful?” _

_ John blushed, burying his head in Alexander’s shoulder. “What if he thinks I’m a girl though? What if that’s why-” _

_ “John, nobody but me here knows. That’s why we decided to make that longer commute, remember? Nobody here thinks you’re a girl. All they’ve ever known you as is John.” Alex kissed his boyfriend’s head one more time before stepping away. “It’s going to be alright, okay? I’ll be right there with you.” _

_ With a nervous nod, John took Alexander’s hand, hiding his fear while the pair walked up to Thomas. _

_ “Oh, hey John! Hey Alexander.” Thomas said when the two approached. He was smiling, Alexander giving John’s hand a quick squeeze of encouragement. _

_ “Hey.” Alexander gave him a small smile. _

_ “H-Hey, Thomas.” John’s face was bright pink, but there was a small smile on his face. Alexander glanced at him, giving him an encouraging grin. _

_ “S-so I was wondering i-if you wanted t-to go on a d-date with us s-sometime?” John’s voice got small at the end, his nerves quite clear. _

_ “With both of you?” Thomas asked. John couldn't see, but Thomas was smiling, a light blush on his face. Alexander nodded, a slight smirk on his face. “Well then of course.” John looked up and smiled, shoulders relaxing. _

~Three Years Ago~

_ Alexander, John, and Thomas walked out of the school after their graduation hand in hand. Instead of going to the party like everyone else, the trio went to their favorite sushi place, getting their orders to go before going to a nearby park that had a pond and turtles. While Alexander sorted out their food, John dragged Thomas with him the couple yards to the pond to look at the turtles. _

_ When Thomas and John came back, the food was all sat up, Alexander munching on a hand roll. They ate their food in a comfortable silence, and when they were all done, Thomas pulled out two small velvet boxes. Alexander and John were shocked, staring at him and the boxes. _

_ “I know we can’t actually get married, but these past few years with you guys have been amazing. I never want to lose it. I… I know it’s cheesy and all, but I really want to be with you guys and-” He was cut off by John tackling him to the ground in a hug and Alex chucking softly. _

_ “We’ve all known that since the beginning, but you don’t need to explain yourself.” Alexander moved closer to the other two, kissing Thomas’ cheek. _

_ “How about this, as soon as it’s legal, we’ll get married. Until then though, all I need is you two.” John said with a grin, pecking Thomas’ lips before getting off of him, grinning. With a nod, Thomas got the rings out, sliding them on their fingers. Carved onto the rings were “Forever” and “always” _

_ This time, it was Alexander attacking Thomas with a hug, a wide grin spreading on his face. “We need to get you one too then.”  _

_ “Of course. We’ll go sometime this week.” John was smiling at his lovers, twirling the ring on his finger. He was finally with people who didn’t care about him being trans, or about him having constant panic attacks and always needing reassurance they loved him. _

_ He was home. _

~One Year Ago~

_ “I want a baby.” John said, looking at Alexander and Thomas. Alexander choked on the water he had been sipping and Thomas gasped. “W-what? D-do you not…?” _

_ “Wait, no, John love, that’s not it.” Alexander set the drink down. “We’re just surprised. We’ve been talking about it and debating on bringing it up with you, we just know how you can get about your body.” _

_ John grinned wildly. “So you actually do want a kid?” _

_ “Of course darling.” Thomas pulled John to his chest, kissing his head. “As long as you’re sure it’s what you want.” John practically squealed in response, causing Alexander to chuckle. _

_ Alexander crawled over to John and Thomas, kissing along John’s jaw. “Is it really what you want baby girl?” John nodded eagerly in response, tilting his head to give Alex more access to his neck. _

_ “We’ll take that as a yes.” Thomas said with a grin. _

~Present Day~

“Aleeeex, can you get me some Mcdonalds on your way back?” John whined into the phone. He was curled up on the couch with several pillows and blankets to make himself more comfortable.

“Of course. Do you want what you usually get?”

“Yes please!” John heard a chuckle from the other side of the phone, making him grin. He knew Alexander’s least favorite part of his pregnancy was his ability to seemingly get everything he wanted. He wants cuddles? He’s going to get cuddles. He wants food at three am? He gets food at three am.

“Alright. See you soon. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

John was spoiled. Especially for the past few weeks while he’s been off of work. The baby was due any day at that point, and he had decided to take some time off of work. Since they needed at least one of them working, Thomas would go to work during the days, and Alexander had worked it out so he was working from home.

During the days he and Alex would cuddle and spend time together, and when Thomas got home Alexander would go do some work and Thomas would have some alone time with John. It was a nice system, and at night they would always make sure to have dinner together and go to bed together. 

About half an hour later, Alexander walked in with a bag of food, walking over to John and handing it to him. John took it gratefully, digging straight into his food. Alex chuckled, kissing John’s cheek, running a hand over the bump. 

“Don’t be too nice to the little fucker. I think he bruised my ribs.” Alexander chuckled in response to John’s comment.

“Oh shush. It’s not like he knows any better.” Alexander had John sit up, tossing the pillows off the couch and sitting in their place. John relaxed into him, letting Alex run a gentle hand through his hair.

“Still. I’m so excited. Within a few days, we’re going to have a kid. A literal human child.” John was grinning, setting the bag of food down on the floor. Alexander chuckled, grabbing the remote to turn the t.v on. The pair sat in quiet for a while, It was calm, John almost falling asleep with Alexander running his hands through his hair.

It was perfect.

Until it wasn’t.

It started with John whimpering about something feeling off, and about hit stomach hurting. It was okay again when John’s water broke, and they realized what it was. In a quick panic, Alexander carried John to the car, setting him in the passenger side before getting in the drivers side, already calling Thomas.

“Hey, take deep breaths baby, deep breaths.” Alexander continued to repeat it to John, who was still whimpering in pain, complaining about how it hurt  _ so bad.  _ When Thomas answered, Alexander hurriedly shouted, “John! Hospital! Baby!” Before hanging up and turning his focus to John and the road.

“Lex, it hurts so bad…” John was almost in tears, and when Alexander saw this, he pressed the gas down just a little. Fuck it if he got a ticket. John was in labor and in a bunch of pain.

“I know love, I know. It’s going to be okay. Deep breaths for me, okay?” John nodded in response and tried listening to Alexander. He could barely breathe though.  _ Why couldn’t he breathe?  _ He was freaking out, Alexander trying to cover his fear that something  _ was  _ wrong. 

They said John would be in pain, but it didn’t seem right. John was hyperventilating, and looked like he was about to pass out. Alex pulled in front of the emergency room, rushing out of the car to go grab John. There were a few EMTs outside waiting by an ambulance who rushed over when Alexander pulled John out of the car. Two of them went inside while the third came over to help Alex with John, who was holding onto Alexander as if his life depended on it.

When the other two returned, it was with a gurney and a nurse. Alexander carefully set John down, kissing his head before stepping away cautiously. John whined when he stepped away, but was quickly carted away by the nurse and EMTs.

Alex tried following him, only to be stopped and told he couldn’t be in the room. Fuck him being a distraction or in the way. He wanted to be there for John. What if he woke up and John freaked out because he was alone?

Thomas walked in minutes later to Alex shouting at some poor nurse that he  _ needed  _ to be in there with John. When Alexander felt Thomas grab his shoulders, he spun around, the worry and fear evident in his eyes.

“Alex, what’s going on? Did something happen?” Thomas asked, holding onto his shoulders. He shook his head in response, shaking. Thomas pulled him into a hug. “What happened?”

“I-I don’t know he was fine and then he was in pain and- and I didn’t listen I should have done something t-the moment he said something was off.” Alexander was sobbing by this point, Thomas holding him tightly. “H-he was hyperventilating and kept saying how much it hurt, and if I had just listened at first…”

“Hey, Alex, no it’s not your fault, okay? You couldn’t have known. Just breathe, okay? It’s gonna be okay. If something is wrong, he’s in the best place for it.” Thomas kissed Alexander’s head, leading him to a seat. “He’s going to be okay. Have you eaten today?” Alex shook his head in response. “Sit. I’m going to go get you something to eat. I’ll be right back.”

Thomas waited for Alexander to nod and sit down before walking to the cafeteria to get him something to eat. When he returned, Alexander was standing next to a nurse, who probably didn’t deserve his wrath when something was wrong with John. He walked over, putting his free hand on Alexander’s shoulder.

“Oh! Great, you’re back. We can’t take you to see him directly, as we had to take him into emergency surgery. I was sent over to take any family to a more private room.” The nurse looked like she was hiding something, but it could have been anything.

Alex and Thomas followed her to the waiting room, where they ate in silence. Thomas held onto the other quietly, letting Alexander cry when he needed to. Hours passed with no word of John. The silence was cut short by someone calling some sort of code and several doctors rushing by the door to the OR, which was next door. And where John was.

Alexander jumped up and made a move for the door, rushing out and looking over, Thomas not far behind, where several doctors and nurses were entering. Before he could try following them, a nurse spotted them and ushered them back into the waiting room, telling them they needed to stay in there. 

Despite her protests, Alex pushed past her, running over to the room. Before he could be stopped he got a glance at what was inside. There were almost a dozen doctors and nurses standing around John, who looked practically lifeless. There was blood everywhere, and people shouting. There was a baby- their baby- being held by a nurse while the others tried to do something. The worst thing to hear though, was the long beep of the heart monitor flat-lining.

To Alexander, it was louder than the doctors shouting, louder than the sounds of their kid screaming. It was almost screaming that his John was dead. That he was dead.

He barely registered Thomas coming up behind him, freezing at the sight as well. He barely noticed when the nurse directed them back to the waiting room. The next time he registered what was going on was when a baby was being placed in his arms. He looked up at the nurse, who had a solemn look on her face then at the kid.

Alexander was unable to stop himself from crying. The baby had John’s curls and freckles, and when he blinked his eyes open and looked at Alex he also had John’s green eyes. Thomas seemed to notice them, scooting over next to them. They were both crying, leaning against each other.

“Excuse me, but I need a name to put on record.” The nurse said quietly. After only a quick glance, both Alexander and Thomas said “Philip.” The nurse nodded before leaving. Alexander held Philip closer, kissing his head. The baby smiled and grabbed onto his hair, causing Alexander to smile through the tears falling down his face.

“He looks so much like John…” Thomas muttered, wrapping an arm around Alexander, who nodded in agreement.The pair sat in silence, looking down at the baby. Their baby. It would have been perfect, if John were there with them.

_ John squealed when he finally heard the door open, signaling that Alexander was home from work. Thomas had had the day off, and John deciding it had been a while since he checked, decided to take another pregnancy test. _

_ Alex walked into their room, almost being knocked down by John who attacked him with a hug. “Woah! Slow down. Calm down love. It’s only been a few hours.” Alexander smiled to John, pecking his lover’s lips before walking over to where Thomas was sitting to greet him. _

_ “I have no clue why he’s so excited. He’s been like this all day.” Thomas commented, both Alexander and Thomas chucking at John’s childish antics. _

_ “Oh shut up! Of course I’m excited.” Before the others could ask why, John went into the kitchen, grabbing something from one of the less used cabinets and sushing back over to his boyfriends, plopping between them, which was more or less on top of both of them. _

_ He handed the item he had grabbed to Alexander, Thomas looking over. It was a pregnancy test, and when both Thomas and Alex saw it was positive, they squealed almost as loud as John. Alexander wrapped his arms around John, kissing him passionately and lovingly. _

_ Thomas was grinning at the pair, stealing John from Alexander as soon as he saw the chance. “We’re gonna have a baby!” John squealed. _

Alexander was shaking while the tears poured down his face. Thomas carefully took Philip from his arms, pulling him close into his side while Alexander sobbed.

_ “John, I love you, but we don’t need to get the kid a tablet.” Alexander’s tone was scolding, but he was holding back a grin. John was adorable when it came to baby stuff. _

_ “But why not!” John crossed his arms with a huff, even though they were more or less resting on his belly. _

_ “John the kid will barely be able to sit up for the first few months. I doubt the little shit needs a tablet.” John stuck his tongue out in response, making Alex chuckle. “Come on love. We came here for snacks for movie night, not for a tablet. Food.” _

_ “Fineee.” John said, following Alexander over to the snacks. _

“It’s my fault Thomas, if I had fucking listened. I killed him! Thomas I fucking killed John!” Alexander whisper-shouted into Thomas’ shoulder.

“No. Love please. There was nothing you could do, okay? It’s not your fault.” Thomas rubbed his side with his free hand, cradling Philip in the other.

“How are you not crying?” Alexander asked weakly. “You seem fine right now. Why?”

Thomas used his free hand to make Alex face him. “Because I have to make sure you don’t break. Because I know that if I fall apart now, that if I cry and scream like I want to it’s not going to help you.” A tear fell down his face, Alexander kissing it off.

_ Alexander kissed the tear off John’s face. He had just woken up from a nightmare, one of the more frequent ones, and John was shaken. “Shhhh. John, it’s okay. Nothing is going to happen to him, alright? We’re all going to be here for him. You know I’d never end up like my father, and Thomas loves you too much. He’s just about excited for this as you are.” _

_ John smiled and pecked Alexander’s lips. “I love you. Please promise to help give him the best life you can. I don’t want him to deal with ant of the things we had to go through.” Alex kissed John. _

_ “I promise.” _

A nurse came in the room, informing them that they needed to make sure Philip was healthy enough to go home, and run a few more tests. Thomas hesitantly handed Philip over to her, and she informed them that someone would be back shortly to take them to another waiting room more suited for children.

“I don’t wanna go home tonight…” Alexander muttered when they were alone again. “God, Thomas it hurts to look at him. He looks so much like John. I remember the photos we found from when John was a baby, and he looks just like him in those photos. He’s gone… Thomas John is actually gone.”

WIthout a need for words, Thomas pulled Alexander into a tight embrace, letting the smaller man cry into his shoulder while he simply rubbed his back, assuring him he was still there, and that they would make sure Philip knows about John, that they’d make sure John would be proud of them.

Eventually, another nurse took them to a more child friendly waiting room. It seemed to be rarely used, but then again most people were probably in private rooms with family, not mourning the loss of a partner. The cheerful animals painted on the wall only seemed to be mocking them.

Alex spent most of the time waiting curled into Thomas’ side crying, and at some point he must have fallen asleep because he was being shaken awake by Thomas, who was holding Philip. Alexander looked at him, freckles barely visible on the young child’s skin. “Philip is alright. They said we’d be able to head home as soon as we take care of all the paperwork and… I wanted to talk to you about this because it’s your decision too… They want to know what we want to do for… for John… So they can start getting everything ready…”

With tears stinging in his eyes, Alex looked up to Thomas. “W-we can deal with that tomorrow…”

“Alexander, I know you. You say tomorrow, and it’s going to be held off because I know it makes it more real for you-”

“What the fuck! You act as if I’m the only one who loved him! You’re talking like you never even cared about John! ‘ _ It makes it more real for you’  _ How are you just fine! John is fucking dead! H-he’s dead and now there’s nothing we can do, but the least you could do is show some goddamn emotion! I know it makes you seem weak or whatever, or your father would call you weak but why should that fucking matter?  _ John is dead.  _ How is this not important to you!” Alexander was screaming, rage, sadness, confusion, and grief pouring off of him. He didn’t notice what he was doing until Philip started to cry.

Quickly, he swooped in and took the small child from Thomas, who was shooting him a death glare. “Alex, of course I’m going to be like a damned robot right now. The moment I show a sign of being upset it’s going to shatter everything. You seem to forget that John was my fucking world. You seem to forget that I know you, and I know being weak isn’t going to help you. If I drop this whole facade, Alex, I know you’re going to break. Because this is  _ John  _ we’re talking about.I can’t let this whole thing fall apart, because we can’t be sobbing and broken while raising a  _ child,  _ Alexander. The very child you're holding right now.”

Thomas spoke softly, as if raising his voice would break some sort of invisible glass. Alexander had tears running down his face as he shushed Philip, holding the small child close to his chest. “Now come on, Lex. We’re going to go home, get you something to eat, and get some rest. We all know we need it.” Thomas’ voice was soft and comforting. He didn’t take Philip from Alex, who was clearly calmed by the child in his arms.

Gently resting a hand on his lover’s shoulder, he led them out.

…

Alexander slept restlessly. He was constantly tossing and turning, and the little sleep he did get wasn’t exactly restful. It had gotten to the point where Thomas had handed him one of his old insomnia meds, which was something he rarely took anymore. Deciding he might as well get some sleep, Alexander took the pill and closed his eyes.

When he opened his eyes he was standing up, a figure standing in front of him. As the figure moved closer he could see it was John, giving him his usual soft, gentle smile. “You’re allowed to move on, it’s okay.” John said, stopping a few feet away.

Alexander wanted to reach out. To touch him.  _ Something.  _ But all he could bring himself to do was weakly say John’s name. “I’ll be here, always Alex. I love you. It’s not your fault, so please don’t blame yourself.” Alexander was crying, he wanted so badly to hold onto John and never let him go. He couldn’t though. He knew if he tried to get to his John the whole thing would fade away.

“I love you so much. Please never forget that.” John stepped closer, pressing his lips against Alexander’s. Although instead of John’s warm, slightly chapped lips it was just coldness, and when he opened his eyes he was in bed with Thomas, Philip sleeping soundly in his crib that was in the corner of the room.

Alexander choked back a sob, covering his mouth. He had tears flowing down his face, trying to keep his sobs as quiet as possible. He couldn't wake Philip, and Thomas deserved to sleep. Alex was shaking, barely containing his sobs as he sat in bed. Thomas must have felt the movement, or heard his cries because before he could resist there was a pair of familiar arms around him.

“He’s gone, Thomas he’s actually fucking gone…” He muttered, tears freely flowing down his face. “John’s gone…”

After a few moments of silence, Thomas finally spoke. “I know love, I know he’s gone, but we can’t break, okay? We have to stay strong, because we have to make sure Philip becomes everything John wanted him to be.” He kissed the side of his crying lover’s head. “I love you so much Alex, it’s going to be alright. We’re going to be okay…” He said the last bit sounding unsure, as if it was to assure himself more than anything.

Thomas held Alexander, holding back his own sobs.

“What are we gonna do…? What are we supposed to do without him?” Alex asked quietly, wiping his tears off his face. “He wanted to bad to be able to stay home, paint, and take care of Philip…”

Thomas kissed his lover’s cheek. “I know love… Why don’t we get some sleep for now, and figure out what we’re going to to from here in the morning. 

…

Everything was fine the first three months. Alex had started working from home to take care of Philip, while Thomas continued going into the office. On the third Friday of each month they hired a sitter and went out to dinner.

Four months in, Thomas slowly started to come home later and later, going out to bars more often after work, and leaving Alexander alone to take care of Philip. But it was fine. Alex tried to understand. But the night he came home, six months in, completely wasted, was where he drew the line. 

Alex was just finishing up with Philip’s bath when Thomas came home. At first he was excited. It was the first time in almost a month he’d been home to see Phlip before he had to go to bed. He quickly rinsed off the child, drying him and putting him in a turtle onesie. John had found it, and Philip was finally big enough to fit it.

When he was done, Alex scooped up Philip, carrying him out to the living room with a smile.

His smile faded when he saw Thomas lying face down on the floor, an almost empty bottle of whiskey in his hand. “Thomas…? Are you drunk?” He asked, holding Philip closer to his chest.

With a drunken giggle, Thomas replied. “Prolly.”

“What the hell! You can’t just show up, completely wasted- did you even go to work today?” Alexander’s voice got louder as he spoke.

“I can, and I didn’t because it’s useless. Your whore-ass spends all my money!” He slurred.

Alex froze. Tears formed in the corners of his eyes. Sure, Thomas was wasted, and probably wouldn’t remember this in the morning, but he knew. He knew what he had done to survive before the Washigntons adopted him. “I make sure our damn child doesn’t starve, and has everything he needs. And don’t cuss in front of your son, I don’t want his first word to be a curse word.”

“Fuck that shit. You’re probably sleeping with someone while I’m at work.” Thomas slowly stood up, Alex taking a step back and holding Philip closer. “You’re a slut, and you know it.”

“Don’t even go there. I’m too busy with Philip anyways. Maybe if you were home more often, everything would be fine! You’re the one who never comes home. You’re the one out all the time. Don’t start with that.”

“Fuck you. If you had listened to John that night, he’d still be alive!” Thomas slapped Alexander hard enough to knock him off balance. It was silent for a few moments, Alexander with tears pouring down his face. Philip broke the silence. Alex held him close, bringing him into the bedroom and locking the door. He shushed the child, laying him down in his crib and making sure he was asleep before laying down, eventually falling asleep.

He didn’t get much sleep. At around 3am, he made a decision, pulling himself out of bed and grabbing several duffel bags and suitcases, He started packing, eventually leaving the room to gather everything else of importance, including several photos of both John and Alex. He grabbed two of all three of them, one from graduation and one from only a few weeks before John had Philip.

When he was sure he had everything, the last thing he did was take off his promise ring, only keeping John’s, which he put on a chain to wear as a necklace. He added John’s old sketchbooks, and anything of his to the last few empty bags. With shaky hands, Alex pulled out his phone, calling Lafayette.


	2. Author's Note (Will be deleted)

So, I know I said I'd update this today.

And this is technically an update.

But California is on fire, and several places not far from me have been evacuated, including where my aunt lives so I'm not going to be updating today. Maybe within the next few days, but for sure next Friday I will have a Thanksgiving special fir this story, other specials for my other stories will be posted throughout the week.

Again, I'm sorry but I have enough to be focusing on, and there's no way I can get a chapter done and edited today.

See you all next week!


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